I’ve mentioned Laura’s disease so many times that it finally occurred to me last night that I needed to add just a little bit more. Sadly, bipolar disease is hereditary. Neither Dennis, Craig nor I got that gene, but it is out there in the family tree and Laura lost that DNA lottery. She knew that; she saw what it did to people and led her to announce at age 20 that she would never have children because “this disease dies with me.” At the time we thought she would change her mind. We still remained blind to what was truly her life sentence.
Several years later when Craig blessed this family with his first son, Laura was overjoyed as we all were. But in a moment of candor that night she said to us, “You know I will never have a life like this. It is all I can do to take care of myself. I could never take care of another person.” By then we knew enough of her trials and realized she was being extremely self-aware. We were somewhat relieved. She lived alone for most of her 20s and 30s which led her to admit one night that, “I just can’t sustain a relationship. No one can live with me and my disease.” We worried night and day about her but she was an adult living life on her own terms. We settled for the names and numbers of two people who we could call if we were desperate to have someone physically go check on her condition. Although she had an incredible group of friends who loved her, they were all people who understood how she was and were willing to accept friendship as she had it to give. Being a “giver” was definitely one of her strongest traits when her mind allowed it.
Understand that there are many, probably thousands, of people with bipolar depression that marry, have children and live somewhat normal lives. In fact, I know two quite well. Laura wasn’t one of them. New medications have come on the market constantly since she died and I hold out great hope that a more successful, longer lasting drug will be developed before we might ever have to face this again in our family.
Laura swallowed pills that didn’t make her well, only relieved symptoms for short periods before they lost their effectiveness. She was incredibly successful in two careers, a fact which amazes us to this day. She was loved by all of her family, an army of friends, and countless special education students who she adored. I only hope that she really knew that.
Life Without Laura 
Laura visited me in a dream last night. I woke up and immediately started trying to find her on the internet, only to discover her obituary. I have tried over the years to find her with no luck. Why I found her today, I don’t know.
I worked with her at the Gap and we became quite close for a time. I knew her beautiful soul. I knew the darkness of her disease. She was amazing, brave, giving, sad. I loved her.
My husband and I lost his son this year to suicide. He was 18. We will miss him everyday until we see him again. I tell myself everyday that God is big but I am not sure He is big enough to ever heal us from the loss of a child.
Laura was a beautiful light and the world is darker without her smile. Today I am wearing a necklace she gave me for my birthday years ago. I feel a comfort to have something that she touched. That she picked out just for me because she thought is was beautiful.
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